The Practice of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is one of the most important skills I help clients cultivate in psychotherapy. In many ways, I believe it is essential if we want to make deep and lasting changes in our lives.

If you choose to work toward meaningful psychological change, you will inevitably stumble at times. Therapy asks us to stretch beyond familiar ways of coping and relating, so by definition, you will encounter moments of being triggered, experiencing setbacks, feeling discouraged, and sometimes simply not feeling good at all. To move through these moments without abandoning ourselves or our journey, we need the practice of self-compassion. I believe deep transformational work can be sustained only when it is paired with a practice of self-compassion.

Self-Compassion

It’s helpful to first clarify what self-compassion is not.  Self-compassion is not about lowering standards, avoiding accountability, or being “soft.” It is not self-pity, feeling sorry for yourself, or self-indulgence. Nor is it simply positive self-talk or “just being positive.”

Some highly capable and conscientious people fear that self-compassion will reduce motivation or lead to complacency. Yet research suggests the opposite: people who practice self-compassion are often more resilient, more willing to take responsibility, and better able to recover from setbacks because they are not spending so much energy attacking themselves internally (Neff, 2011).

So what is self-compassion?

At its core, self-compassion is a set of concrete practices that help us stay engaged with challenge, growth, disappointment, and change without collapsing into shame or harsh self-attack. Through these practices, we gradually strengthen our capacity for self-compassion.

Psychologist Kristin Neff, one of the pioneering researchers in this field, describes self-compassion as treating ourselves “with the same kindness, concern, and support we would show to a good friend” (Neff, 2011).  Her work identifies three core elements of self-compassion:

• Self-kindness — responding to ourselves with care and understanding rather than harsh criticism or judgment

• Common humanity — recognizing that struggle and imperfection are part of the shared human experience, not proof that something is uniquely wrong with us

• Mindfulness — being able to notice painful thoughts and feelings without suppressing them or becoming completely overwhelmed by them

  
  

Another important contributor to this work is Christopher Germer, who co-developed the Mindful Self-Compassion program with Kristin Neff. Germer emphasizes that self-compassion is not about avoiding pain, but about learning how to remain emotionally present in moments of suffering without abandoning ourselves internally (Germer, 2009).

I also appreciate the contributions of Paul Gilbert, founder of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT). Gilbert’s work explores how shame, chronic self-criticism, attachment history, and the nervous system shape our relationship with ourselves. His research helps illuminate why compassion is not simply a “nice idea,” but often a necessary condition for emotional regulation, resilience, and psychological healing (Gilbert, 2009).

Self-compassion and Hakomi

This explicit practice of self-compassion dovetails beautifully with Hakomi psychotherapy (see my posts on Hakomi). Hakomi’s principles of mindfulness, organicity, nonviolence, and mind-body holism are deeply aligned with the self-compassion framework (Kurtz, 1990).

In Hakomi, we often slow down to mindfully study what is happening inside — sensations, emotions, impulses, beliefs, memories, and protective patterns. Mindfulness, in this context, is fundamentally nonjudgmental, and the emotional tone of this process is one of curiosity, openness, kindness, and possibility. Clients are often able to remain present with vulnerable or painful experiences that might otherwise feel overwhelming, shameful, or even re-traumatizing.

Like most therapists, I do not believe that meaningful change can be forced through criticism, pressure, or manipulation. At the same time, as a Hakomi therapist, I also do not reactively dismiss or shut down the self-judgment that may arise in clients. Instead, I bring the same curiosity, openness, and compassion to self-judgment that I bring to growth itself. Together, we study and explore these experiences rather than wage war against them. I trust that growth naturally emerges, and defenses soften, when we approach our internal experience with mindful curiosity, kindness, and respect.

I also experience self-compassion as an internal relational process — a way of developing a more supportive and emotionally attuned relationship with oneself. This reflects a systemic understanding that each of us contains many parts, dimensions, and aspects within ourselves. Healing and transformation often emerge through these inner relationships: through the ways different parts interact, conflict, negotiate, and collaborate within both our internal and external relational worlds.

From this perspective, the practice of self-compassion is not about “letting ourselves off the hook.” Rather, it is about developing a different relationship with ourselves — one that is more grounded, aware, emotionally attuned, and capable of holding both accountability and care at the same time.

Real growth requires us to face painful patterns, difficult emotions, vulnerability, uncertainty, and survival strategies that may once have protected us but no longer fully serve us. Self-compassion creates the internal safety and emotional resources that allow resilience to emerge. It helps us stay engaged enough to learn rather than retreat, shut down, or simply “tough it out.”

In that sense, self-compassion does not merely make growth more sustainable — it is itself a core part of the growth process.

If you choose to do this hard work, you are also choosing the practice of self-compassion.

Selected References:

Germer, C. K. (2009). The mindful path to self-compassion: Freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions. Guilford Press.

Gilbert, P. (2019). The compassionate mind.  Robison

Kurtz, R. (1990). Body-centered psychotherapy: The Hakomi method. LifeRhythm.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.

Copyright 2026 by Jia Rebecca Li, LMFT

www.rebeccalimft.com